Two Hearts
by Nayru Elric
Summary: Gon wishes Killua hadn't found a replacement of him after all that happened with the Chimera Ants, but he knows it's far too late to mend the cracks in their relationship now. They both do. KilluGon.


**Summary:** Gon wishes Killua hadn't found a replacement of him after all that happened with the Chimera Ants, but he knows it's far too late to mend the cracks in their relationship now. They both do.

* * *

 **Two Hearts**

* * *

His love had been nothing more than a state of ebullience at first; small, yet distinctly there. He'd known that their friendship would last, whatever came their way. Even when Killua was taken by his family, even when he killed people...

It's true, the two of them are still friends, but... something has changed. The cracks left by what he has done can never be mended, no matter how much he wishes he could go back in time, forget about Kaito, about Ging, about anyone except...

Gon opens his eyes. He stares at his pale friend, laying placidly in the spot beside him on the bed, the moonlight casting a white glow across the floor and walls of the bungalow they had rented near the World Tree. Shifting his gaze lower on the bed, another body clings to Killua as he sleeps: the long lost Zoldyck sibling that Killua had never once spoken about to Gon. Both of them are asleep, content in each other's' arms, siblings who have probably been through more together by the age of five than Gon can imagine in his entire life.

He feels the longing urge to say something. But what? There is nothing more to be said for what he has done. For what is to come. Though Gon tries to distract himself with the thought of finally getting to speak with Ging tomorrow... he feels he's losing something far more important.

Hours later, he still hasn't fallen asleep. He wants to say something. He wants to apologize, more than he already did when he first woke up at the hospital. More than he could in his entire life. He wants to say, _Killua, I'm so sorry. You mean more to me than Kaito ever could, and I treated you horribly. I will do anything to make our relationship the same way it was back then, before Kaito, before the Chimera Ants, before Ging... I'm sorry for putting you second in the face of everything when all you wanted was to be there for me, to help me... I'm sorry... I'm sorry..._

" _I'm sorry..._ " Gon whispers out loud to himself. He feels his shoulders begin to tremble, throat congested by the sobs threatening to break the silence of the night. " _I'm sorry..._ " he says again as his eyes scrunch into tight knots, and his arms and legs draw up to his chest, trying to rock himself to sleep, biting his shirt to keep from crying out. He can't allow Killua to hear his sobs. Saying "sorry" after he's found a new goal? After he's already pledged himself to Alluka's safety? Even as the tears roll down Gon's cheeks off the sides of his face, he can't allow Killua to question his decision. _I owe Killua this much..._

When black starlight up above subsides to dawn, Gon's sobs finally quiet down. Embracing the cold, dark light of the room, Gon closes his eyes and allows himself to sleep.

* * *

 **~o-O-o~**

* * *

As the sky fades to orange with the approaching sun, Killua opens his eyes. He never sleeps for more than a few hours at a time. He's heard every bit of Gon's struggling throughout the night. Killua figures he can guess what it was about. _Why didn't you say something?_ he wonders; he's asking both Gon and himself. The pain in his chest from being pushed away by Gon as something insignificant, as nothing but an annoyance... Killua never knew rejection could hurt so much. It's been months since that time, and yet he knows he will carry that pain forever.

 _I guess it is too late anyway,_ Killua thinks, head turning toward the girl on his chest. Alluka's breaths rise and fall. He's already promised to protect her, to travel the world with her. _I wish... it could be the three of us..._ Or the four of them, the way it had been back then, such a long, long time ago...

What had it been, that first moment when Killua spotted Gon in the tunnel during Phase One of the Hunter Exam? A spur-of-the-moment decision? It had been nothing more than a spark, a sudden interest on Killua's side. However small at the time, that scintilla of interest revealed an entire world of possibilities that Killua had never imagined.

Living, breathing, being there for another person, just one other person in the entire world... and then being told by that person that you're only... a bother.

Killua keeps his movements surreptitious as he climbs out of bed, toward the door. Alluka is undisturbed and Gon is still in the first stages of sleep. Together, spread out on the bed, they look ethereal. Killua can't help but envy them. They will never know how it feels... to be caught in such a limerence that their own rationality is skewed, that their mind and body have been changed into something that is not their own...

Killua doesn't know if Gon knows, truly, what he has done to him, but...

 _It doesn't matter now._ Stopped at the doorway, Killua looks out the window, where the sun's rays have nestled behind the branches of the World Tree, peering through. He twists the golden handle and leaves them alone in the room, venturing out to watch the common people, who are caught in a world of bliss.

* * *

 **~o-O-o~**

* * *

 _"C'mon, Killua, you have to have learned_ some _dances!" Gon exclaimed one night as they sat around a fire with Bisky._

 _Killua shook his head. "Nope, I haven't."_

 _"He's right, Killua," Bisky agreed, lacy-gloved hands hugged around her bowl-bottom pink dress. "Even if you did grow up in a family of assassins, someone had to have taught you how to dance at one point. You may have needed it for a mission."_

 _"I said I haven't, okay?" Killua snapped at her, getting a little flustered._ Both of them, _Killua thought,_ they're getting on my nerves! _It had been a tiresome day of digging through the mountains back to Masadora, and although Gon was having more trouble sleeping from his fingers slipping on the rope, whacking himself on the head with a boulder, Killua had had his fill of this canyon to last a lifetime._ Those damn jittery puffballs, _he cursed, rubbing his cheeks where the he'd been hit._ If I ever get my hands on one, I'll make it pay for smacking me in the face so many times!

 _Gon stood from his spot near the fire, walked over to Killua with one hand behind his back. The other proffered to Killua, Gon bent down toward him like some gentlemanly butler._

 _"What're you doing?" Killua asked, blinking at Gon's open hand._

 _With eloquence, Gon trilled, "Sir Killua, would you do me the honor of giving me this dance~?"_

 _Killua jumped back from Gon's uncharacteristic equanimity. "Excuse me?!"_

 _Cupping one around his mouth, Gon winked, deviously inserting, "This is the part where you take my hand and pretend to be swept off your feet."_

 _"Are you crazy?!" Killua sputtered. "No way!" Crossing his arms and turning away, he mentally chastised himself for the color that broke out across his cheeks._ Aw, damn...

 _Across from them, Bisky started laughing. "You can't take no for an answer, Gon! Make him do it!"_

 _Killua reeled on her angrily, lurching forward and digging both hands into the dirt on the ground. "Now, listen here, you old ha –!"_

 _Gon did Killua a favor by interrupting him with a sharp jab to his side._

 _"I'm sure you were going to say 'lovely lady,' weren't you~?" Bisky asked, smiling with a deadly aura swirling around her._

 _"D-dammit," Killua cursed, clutching his stomach._

 _"C'mon, Killua, it'll be fun!" said Gon, his smile as wide as ever. "I can teach you how to dance!"_

 _Killua could see Gon was unyielding in this situation, and with Bisky also on his case there was no escape._

 _"Damn... Fine," he agreed. Gon let out a chuckle of triumph as Killua took his hand to help him stand up._

 _"Okay, first thing you do is stand there like..." Gon took Killua's hands, placing one on his shoulder and the other on his side. Then he rested a hand on Killua's shoulder, firmly clasping the other. "There we go!" He beamed._

 _"Do I really have to be the one holding_ your _waist?" Killua asked embarrassedly, trying not to think too much about the pressure on his palm._

 _"Would you rather play the part of the girl?" Gon asked._

 _"...Never mind."_

 _"Okay, next, we move together."_

 _Bisky interrupted, "I'll call Cookie for some music."_

 _Killua outburst, "W-wait, you really don't have to –!"_

 _"That would be great!" Gon called._

 _"H-hey!" Killua interjected, but Gon was already back to figuring out the steps._

 _When the pink-haired, teal-eyed nurse appeared, a soft, yet trenchant sound came from the harp she held._

 _"Alllll right," said Gon, drawing Killua's attention away from the music. "Now you just step with the music."_

 _"You make it sound so easy," muttered Killua._

 _"Because it is easy, Killua!" Gon smiled at him. "Usually the boy in the group is supposed to lead, but since you said you didn't want to be the girl, we'll just do the best we can like this. Okay, here we go!"_

 _Killua followed Gon's steps as best as he could but ended up nearly tripping many times, despite being the superior one at footwork due to his assassin training._

 _"See? It's not that hard!"_

 _"Y-yeah..." Killua stuttered._ Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it! _screamed his internal voice._ What's wrong with me?! Years of assassin training, and for what?! Dancing with some idiot and an old hag in the middle of a canyon desert! _Killua couldn't admit to himself that it was the happiest he had felt in years._

 _Eventually, the slow lilt of harp music died down, and their footsteps came to a halt._

 _"So, what'd you think?" Gon asked._

 _"It... wasn't as bad as I thought it would be," Killua murmured sheepishly, not looking Gon in the face._

 _"Eh? What was that?"_

 _"I said it was fun, okay?!" Killua lashed out._

 _Gon chuckled. "Good! Maybe we can dance again sometime, right?"_

 _Killua couldn't believe how forthright Gon was, even after all this time. How untouched and pure the light in his eyes was._

 _Killua didn't avert his eyes this time as he nodded and said, "Sure."_

* * *

 **~o-O-o~**

* * *

They called it the renaissance when the world emerged from the devastation caused by the Chimera Ants. The start of a new era of technological, cultural, and spiritual progress...

None of that matters to Killua, who sits on the roof of the bungalow as the sun creeps ever higher into the sky. Chilled by the morning air, dewdrops reflect off every surface in the misty morning. The petrichor of the earth calms Killua's senses in a world that is no longer friendly to him – not that it has ever been. Common society frowns upon practices like assassination. They have never been an ally of his, so it's him against the world.

Well, it used to be... the two of them.

Killua sits with his chin in the crook of one elbow, swathed around his knee. _The World Tree... is that really where Ging is waiting for Gon...?_ In just a few hours... it would be... good-bye.

"Killua."

He turns, surprised.

"I'm sorry for leaving Alluka in the room by herself," Gon apologizes, though it isn't the apology he wants to say. "May I please sit with you...?"

So that's what their friendship has been reduced to. Politeness and pleasantry. Killua doesn't say anything though. He gestures to the spot beside him with one hand. "Go ahead."

Tentatively, Gon walks forward until he's beside Killua. He doesn't sit down, just stares at the World Tree glittered with the rising sun. They remain that way, in silence, for a long time.

"Killua, I –" Gon starts, but it's right as Killua's standing up.

"Alluka's probably awake by now," Killua says, not meaning to interrupt Gon. The mood has already been broken. "I should go check on her."

Gon nods. "Right..." As Killua heads toward the edge of the bungalow in preparation to jump off, Gon can no longer stop himself. "Killua!" he yells, stepping forward. The white-haired boy turns around to look at him with slightly wide, blue eyes. "I'm sorry!" Gon yells, his voice rough with the pain and agony he's held back for so long. "I'm sorry for brushing you aside when Kaito was hurt! I'm sorry for thinking only of my feelings!" The scenic view of Killua, his best friend, standing in the sunlight swims before Gon's eyes as tears swirl in his vision. He feels no shame as they roll down his cheeks, forcing him to blink them away with every word. "I'm sorry for... for everything," he weeps, round, brown eyes focused completely on Killua.

Killua watches him, shocked, but unlike before, there's no threat of a blush breaking out on his cheeks. "I know, Gon," is all he says as he looks down. "I'm sorry too." _For more than you know..._

"Please... don't go..." Gon begs, walking toward Killua with both arms spread on either side of him. "I... I want to travel with you and Alluka! I understand if you won't let me, and I'm sorry for always being selfish, but please... I can't..." _I don't know what I'm going to do without you..._ He can't get the words out of his mouth. His lips are frozen with grief.

Killua doesn't say anything at first, which makes Gon scared. Then he looks at Gon with soft, somber eyes. "Gon, you know we can't do that."

"Wh... why?!" Gon shouts in despair.

It reminds Killua of the way he kept screaming _why?_ when the monster that killed Kaito was right in front of him, protecting a little girl for the King of the Chimera Ants. The despair on Gon's face now is exactly the same as then. No... now, there is no rage. Only pain. Killua can't bear to see that pain on his face any longer. "Because my family will be on my tail now that I have Alluka, and you can't miss your chance to talk to Ging at the top of the World Tree," Killua says simply, but harshly. With a finality that Gon knows will not be swayed. He's heard Killua use that tone with other people, like when they were caught by the Phantom Troupe, or ambushed by the Chimera Ants. He had never once used it on Gon.

He knows there's nothing he can say, he knew that before he even started talking to Killua... but...

Gon stretches his hand out to Killua, tears still streaming down his cheeks, and asks, "Then... could we have one last dance?"

Killua's eyes widen with the offer, mind flashing back to that day, when everything had been so peaceful. When he had felt that nothing could stand between them, and he couldn't be any happier in any place with anyone in the world.

Killua says nothing, but slowly, quietly, he takes Gon's hand. They fall into step beside each other, guided by the slow rhythm of the hiraeth in their hearts – the home where they can never return, and never was.

* * *

 _ **I listened to "True Love" by Coldplay on repeat while writing this and almost made myself cry. Though the song this fic is named after is "Two Hearts" by Paper Route. I hope you enjoyed! Thank you for reading, and please don't forget to leave me some love!**_


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